What are some of the reasons for teens in foster care not wanting to be adopted?

Lost_in_Alaska: What are some of the reasons for teens in foster care not wanting to be adopted?
We are considering adopting a 15-year old young man, but we are hearing that after spending seven years with the same foster family he might not want to be adopted. His foster parents made it clear that they have no intentions of adopting him. How common is this? What are some of the reasons teens do not want to be adopted but rather age-out from the system? Why do foster parents refuse to adopt someone whom they have been fostered for so long?

Answers and Views:

Answer by call_me_LaLa
you posted this question a few days ago. as I remember one answerer said that not all foster families get approved to adopt and also if they are too old they wouldn’t be allowed to adopt out of the system, it could be other reasons as well. I would not even go forth with the adoptiona ny further b/c he will feel so upset about being ripped from what his home now is and he’ll probable resent you for it and since he’s 15 now he would be better off to just stay where he is and age out chances are that the foster parents will still be there for him after he turns 18 and help him out. if you did adopt and he turns 18 he’s prolly gonna go back to his foster parents anyway b/c thats what he’s got that close bond to

Answer by 7rin
I’d imagine that at least a few actually are aware that adoption legally severs all ties with their family, and they don’t wanna do that. Perhaps not many, and perhaps not just a lot, but I’d bet there’s some who just don’t wanna cut those ties.

Plus, if they’ve been somewhere for so long, perhaps they’re actually happy to stay there without worrying about having to do the “being adopted” legalities. I’d imagine that’s probably a bigger amount.

Answer by Always Honest 🙂
Well, 7 years with the same family, that is his family. Somewhat. If they treat him good and love him thats all that matters. They may not be adopting him for wrong reasons. ” Money from the state. ” If you can, Talk to the boy then ask him how he feels.

Answer by Allanas
Adoption gets you a family. Family is an intimate thing. No one wants to be intimate with strangers. I don’t mean sex. I mean the day to day sharing of a bathroom. Being vulnerable while asleep. Eating together. No one wants to do any of that with strangers.

So, if the kid and the foster family didn’t “click” and don’t feel intimate – adoption is a bad idea.

It’s different for little kids. They don’t yet have boundaries and “ick factor” yet. They can better accept the care and intimacy. At 15, he’s almost grown and getting ready to be out on his own.

Maybe he doesn’t want to sever ties with his biological family.

You get more financial aide as a former foster kid than you do as an adopted child. Perhaps that’s a factor.

Answer by ♥ ~Sigy the Arctic Kitty~♥
Anyone here can only speculate. The only people who can answer either of your questions are the 15 year old and his foster parents.

I’m a teen but if I was in your situation I would be spending some time with him one on one and ask him how he feels about being adopted and living with me before anything else. No pressure; if he’s uncomfortable with talking about it, that’s that. But he IS 15 and certainly should have the say first last and always about what will be a major event in his life. He should Not feel as if this is out of his hands.

Talk with him about your feelings about adopting and your reasons for wanting to adopt. Encourage him to talk about how he feels about living with you and how he thinks it would be like. Maybe he has concerns. In fact I’m sure he does. And you can talk about that.

As for the foster parents, there is a reason they are not adopting and while it is personal it is also reasonable for you to ask them why given that you are proposing to adopt someone they have been raising for 7 years.

Answer by Valerie A
Possibly legal reasons on the part of the foster parents. It is difficult to guess at peoples motives, but adoption is simply not just an emotional decision but a legal contract, sorry if this sounds cold hearted but it is reality. As a 15 year old has 3 years to go before reaching legal age, the adoptive parents are totally legally responsible for any expenses the child may incur, whether medical, liablility for any damage the child may do, to any special services they may need. In most cases the State picks the expense up as long as the child is a foster, but well may not do so when the child gets adopted. That is one of the agencies motivators for getting kids adopted and it is something to consider before signing those papers.. Also why it is common is that if people are dedicated to fostering, there is a maximum of how many children can be in each home… Foster parents could soon fill their home up with adoptions and then have no room for fosters.. The mentality is that we would rather help many for a shorter time than just a few on a long term basis.. We care about the foster children while we have them,but understand FROM THE BEGINNING that they are not going to be ours to keep. That was my answer to folks who, when I was fostering, would say “oh but how can you let them go?” I do not say it was easy letting them go, but it does then make room for another child who may need a home and the foster homes are usually in short supply. I likened it to long term baby sitting, U know that child has other parents and that they are not yours to keep. Now they have something new called fost-adopt. Where the goal is for the foster parents to take a child as foster with the knowlege that they will adopt if the child becomes free for adoption. Years ago when I started foster parenting this was a big no no.. If we admitted to being adoption minded, the state would not place a foster child with us. The thought was that we were supposed to be working toward the goal of reuniting the child with their birth family when their problems were better, and that if we were wanting to adopt that child , we would be wanting the reunification to fail and not helping with it. Also would be broken hearted if the child did go back, now it is different…rules change.. and not every foster placement is a fost adopt placement. This is also sometimes called “Legal risk” placement.. and is not for the faint hearted as the outcome may not be what you had hoped.. As for the childs motivation, who knows for sure?? 15 year olds are not always great at articulating or even identifying their feelings… but how difficult must it be to break ties with a family you have been part of for 7 years.? This was a very young child of 8 or so when he joined that family.. It is bound to be a very difficult thing for him to leave there, If the child is in counseling to prepare them to be adopted, it does not always work, the heart cannot be told what to do, and bonds once formed can be very hard to break.. and it is the nature of people to want what they cannot have and not always value what they easily get. The foster family knew from the beginning they would not be adopting. A child of 8 doesn’t grasp this concept even if told. Plus to make it more complex, some where there are birth parents and the issues that whole scene brings. This is a tough situation. God bless all concerned.

Answer by Heather ~ Not a Perfect Mom ~
He has been with this family for 7 years…almost half of his life. Sounds like he has bonded with them and doesn’t want to leave them.

Answer by Teresa
I’ve talked to many foster parents that went into foster care with absolutely no intention of adopting. Many of these parents are older, some have limited room in their home that would require them to stop fostering if the they adopted.

The previous answers about them wanting state money are wrong, a 15yr old boy who has been in care that long would continue to receive subsidies until 18 and possibly longer if he goes to college. The only money motivator I can think of is if they adopt and he goes to college, they have to use their income when applying for financial aid and loans. If he is still in care, their income will not count and he will receive full financial aid from FAFSA and the state. If they make a descent salary, not adopting will save a ton in education costs.

As far as the boy, he seems like he just wants to stay with the family he’s been in for 7 yrs. Even if he lives with his adoptive family until he’s 21, he has lived with his foster family longer. He may not want to change his last name either, or switch schools.

This situation’s not super common, but it’s not unheard of either.

Answer by Jackie Nichols
Only the 15 year old and the foster parents can truly answer your question. Anything else is just guesses. My guess is that after 7 years with the same foster family, he has formed a bond with them and considers them his family. Even if he isn’t really bonded with them, he likely is comfortable there and the thought of going someplace new is scary. He knows what to expect from them. You are strangers. Would you want to leave the comfort of what has been your home for 7 years to go live with strangers? Also, sometimes older children in fostercare have developed Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). When a child has RAD, they have a difficult time forming bonds with people and resist becoming too close to anybody. Children with RAD often do better living in group home settings or foster families where they aren’t really bonded than they do in an adoptive home where they are expected to bond and become part of a family. Or it could be that he doesn’t want to lose the connection with biological family either because he is close to them or fantasizes about going back to them someday. All just guesses. Only he can really answer.

As for the foster parents, after 7 years I would bet they could get approved to adopt him if they wanted to. It could be that they are not truly attached to him enough to want him to be their son, but are used to him being there and he may be an “easy” case compared to another foster child who may replace him if he leaves. Or it could be that they truly love him as a son, but would lose some benefits needed to care for him if he were adopted. At 15, he would almost certainly be eligible for Adoption Assistance (because he is considered hard-to-place) which would include a monthly stipend equal to the fostercare payments they now receive and free medicaid, so their reasons are likely not financial. However, as a foster child, the state is ultimately responsible for his care, whereas once he is adopted, they are. It could be that he has emotional or behavioral problems that necessitates a higher level of care than they could get if they adopted him. Inpatient psychiatric care can be very hard to get on medicaid, but as a foster child, the state has to provide it when needed. Also, if he has behavioral problems so severe that he may hurt somebody or damage property, they might not want to take on that legal liability. Again, all just guesses.

As I said, there could be many reasons and only they know the answer. However, I would not even try to proceed with an adoption of a 15 year old who was not willing. I don’t think it would have a happy ending for anybody.

Answer by Lily Smith
cuz they’ve gone from family to family, they’ve seen it all and don’t care much, but it’s a lie they do want to be adopted

Answer by Doodlestuff
My guess is that the foster family doesn’t want to adopt because if they file, the child will be removed. That is what used to happen commonly in my state. In addition, they may not be able to be approved to adopt. I can foster children, but I’m not permitted to adopt due to my medical condition. How’s that for stupid? But, those are the rules. It is possible that these foster parents will adopt him once he is an adult.

Some foster kids do not want to be adopted because they want to return to their families once they have aged out of the system. My late best friend was in this position. The only family members who wanted him and he wanted to be with, were considered unsuitable by social workers due to either their age or medical situations. He had been in many foster homes before he aged out and some of those movements resulted from the foster family applying to adopt him; in some cases as a result of his contact with family members. After leaving foster care, he moved in with his grandparent. They both died in a car crash some years later.

Answer by cricketlady
Why fix something if it isn’t broke; using this as an analogy here. In most instances teen foster children do NOT wish to be adopted—they are quite happy with the way things are. And if they remain under the foster care system in their state they are more likely to get their higher education all paid for. There are all kinds of bonuses for keeping the situation the way it is.