Seeking a woman’s perspective — how do I get my wife to be more adventurous in bed while still “making love”?

rick gandil: Seeking a woman’s perspective — how do I get my wife to be more adventurous in bed while still “making love”?
Been married a long time (about 20 years), and I’m the only person my wife has had sex with. There’s still a passion to our sex life, but over the last few years, I’ve been a little bored with it. I’d like to try something different.

She really likes it the way it is — I always go down on her except the rare times she tells me not to, I tend to give her 2 orgasms for each one of mine, and over the years I’ve carefully tracked what turns her on so that I can do those little things she likes.

Her approach to pleasing me is basically to allow me to join in her pleasure. Maybe that’s not quite the way to say it — its often really great to go along for the ride with her when she orgasms. But she has never tried to figure out what pleases me.

In recent years, I’ve tried to ask her to do things for me. But she views anything outside of our 20 year routine as uncomfortable. I asked her to talk dirty for me, and she sort of tried, but she made me feel like a jerk for asking, and it really didn’t turn her on. Toys are out of the question. Anytime I asked for anything new or different, she says, “that’s just going to lead to you asking for a threesome” — which is not something I’m interested in.

So here’s the thing, she has to enjoy anything we do to make it work. Not just “go along” or consent, but like it. So how do I get her out of the routine, which works great for her but isn’t enough for me, while still making her feel like she’s “making love” and not just having sex.

Answers and Views:

Answer by Stephen G
Well me and my wife have a routine too. I go down on her (different positions), either 69 or I kneel down while she lays. I always give her 1 or 2 orgasms before we start something else. I do use sex toys on her, butt plugs, vibrators, etc (both holes). Every position for intercourse under the sun. Also anal sex, and facials or on the tits. I would suggest trying some of these, we have a lot of fun and it has never got boring.

Answer by priv828
Well you have ruled out a lot of options..But perhaps you can look into ‘tantra/tantric sex’ have only heard about it, never looked into it, but google it and see what you can find out about it. Its meant to heighten the sexual experience for BOTH partners, apparently longer and more power orgasms for YOU, whilst all being based on lovemaking and two people connecting. Should be enough for your wife to be happy to participate.

Answer by charlesz27
My wife was a virgin when I met her and I can relate. Problem is they don’t know what you mean by doing something different.

You need to change your routine. Don’t start with doing down on her, focus on different parts of the body, try different positions and you even up the score a bit. Your tern for 2 orgasms to her 1.

I find our relationship is better if I mix it up totally. I sometimes refuse sex and say I’m tiered when I’m not just so on the weekend when we have more time can really enjoy it and get her in the mood.

I also like going away for the weekend or even a night at a Hotel.

Hope that helps. Your barking up the wrong tree asking for a womens perspective on this topic.

Answer by juicyher
Get some tantra or kama sutra books and tell her you want to start exploring sacred sexuality. This article can also help when it comes to sacred sex – This might help assure her you have no intention on a threesome, but want to experience a deeper fulfillment sexually than what you have been having. Also, she might have that “good girl syndrome” and not be comfortable breaking out of that shell. Encourage her whenever she does do something different and never let her feel that it’s wrong or bad, but only how much you enjoy being more intimate with her in those ways.

Answer by boiseidahomike
Your wife is selfish, pure and simple. She gets what she wants, and lets you work for yours. She will always be like that, it has worked for her for 20 years and she will not change. If you want more, you know what needs to be done…you have to seek it elsewhere, if you don’t want to go elsewhere then leave it alone and suffer

Answer by Candy Y. I
Your wife is stuck in a rut and don’t know it. You need to romance her, all out do everything candle light, soft sexy music, dinner for 2, send flowers, Go full tilt. then as the two of you are really melowed out you need to get down to basics with her, tell her what you have said here in those words. She is comfortable the way things are and you need a little more spice. Explain to her you are there for her but it needs to be a two way street Toys are not for everyone…..you could take her to a adult toy store and just window shop. Place a lot of attention on what she does clue in on. Tell her it is the 7 year iches and the two of you need to step and the same tracs, Just explan as you did here.experimenting is what keeps a marriage a marriage. The key is to indrdced fun thing a very little bit at a time,
PLAY A GAME OF STRIP POKER…..MAKE FUN AND FUNNIER, There is a game at Spencers Gifts it is called “what the #uck+
It is a hysterically funny game
You are going to have to work at binging sponinately in the bedroom door.Explain that you worked a lot of effort into seeing that she is well pleased and now is the time for the two of you tame another step in that levela of oassion. Keep surprising her, do extra share of her chores,cook a meal unexpectedly Good lUCK TO YOU….MILES OF SMILE “v

Answer by prettylittlething
As you have said she was inexperienced when you met so my thoughts lead to maybe being inhibited. It’s the fear that your partner may turn your thought down, may make you feel bad for wanting to try something new. I was that way too, until I figured out after x amount of years that it’s ok to do what you want with your partner. I would try coaxing her in bed subtly, let her know what you like my the different sounds you make, tell her you love it when… tell her when you are in the act that you would like it if she would try this….. It may take some time but it’s so much fun.. After a while of experimenting get her the book on karma sutra and tell her you would love to try this or that and look at it together. That would be great foreplay!

Answer by mamabunny
It sure sounds like you have been a very patient husband, it’s unfortunate that your wife doesn’t have a healthier view of sex.
My ex-husband was kinda like this in that he made ME feel bad if I asked to try different things, as if he was the only one who was allowed to enjoy sex. And forget it if I ever initiated sex, he would go so far as to call me a slut.
Fortunately now I have a husband who is just as open to new possibilities as I am. LOL, we don;t go to extremes or anything but we definitely like to mix things up. And even though we don’t have problems communicating to each other about sex, having toddlers in the house often makes it impossible to get in the mood.
What I would suggest is try starting your approach when you aren’t anywhere near the bedroom. Pay her extra compliments and make her feel beautiful. Treat her like you did when you were first dating and try to get her to feel that giddiness. For some women to really enjoy sex it has to have an emotional connection. Maybe you already lavish her with compliments, it sounds like you are a very caring husband, but do whatever you can think of to make her feel special, like you can’t wait to just be near her. Then with the physical aspect, offer her massages and see if there are parts of her body that respond to different kinds of touch. She could have erogenous zones that she didn’t realize were there (i.e. ears, neck, shoulders, feet, back, scalp)!

Best of luck and I hope you can get her to find that adveturous spark!