Lynda S: Is it inappropriate for a bride to have the urn with her fathers ashes carried down the aisle at her wedding?
The bride’s brother will be giving her away and she wants him to carry the urn with her father’s ashes in one arm as he escorts her down the aisle. I think it would be more appropriate to light a candle in his honor or otherwise remember him. Any ideas?
Answers and Views:
Answer by EmilyJay89
I would agree and say that a candle is more appropriate, but it is all about what the bride and groom feel most represents his presence.
Answer by michelle g
I wouldn’t call it inappropriate (I can think of other things that would be truly inappropriate) but it’s extremely morose and I think some people would think it kind of creepy. She could have a seat left open in his honour and put her bouquet on it during the ceremony or have a picture of him by the candle (ala Armageddon movie).
But still, it’s her choice.
Answer by tryin4level
I think it’s kind of morbid. Your suggestion seems appropriate. I wonder what the groom thinks about it.
Answer by Blu
A lot of times, people will put a flower on the seat their deceased parent would have occupied as a memorial, others light candles. I would seriously go with one of those two options, or use both; it would be more tasteful and respectful than carrying the urn. After all, who will be in charge of the urn after its carried down the isle? Where will it be put during the ceremony? Where would it be put during the reception? What if it was accidentally tipped over? Or worse, misplaced?
If the bride is REALLY adamant about her father’s ashes being with her on her wedding day, see if she can have a small bit of them put into a locket and wear that.
Answer by Sophiesmama
I think it is pretty morbid, I would place the urn by the alter and light a candle in his memory during the service, something like that.
Answer by Myth_Understood
Light a candle and have his picture there. The ashes … uhh, no, not so much. Heaven forbid something stupid happens and it gets spilled or something tragic – not a good plan.
Someone really needs to talk some sense into the bride and make her see how icky this idea is.
Answer by Elsie
Yeah, that’s a little weird. It’s nice to remember someone close to you who has passed and would have been an important part of the wedding, but think of it this way…if her dad hadn’t been cremated, would she want to dig up the casket and drag that down the aisle? Probably not. Most people will think it’s creepy, not touching. Much better to do a candle ceremony and/or rose ceremony to acknowledge her dad at the wedding.
Answer by Kristie
My favorite way of remembering a father who has passed is to have the bride walk down the aisle, maybe alone or with someone else close to her and when she gets to the front row of seats to pull a special flower with a saying or quote addressed to her father attached to it and place the flower on a seat that has been specially reserved for the brides father. A line could also be put in the program to explain to the rest of the guests the importance of this family member and how this person’s attendance is spiritual for the couple. This can work for any other close family member who can’t make it to the ceremony, mothers/grandparents/etc.
Answer by velma1899
Carrying an urn down the aisle would strike me as morbid and creepy. I have met brides-to-be with jewelry to hold a tiny bit of cremains, much more long-lasting, and less awkward than assigning someone to baby-sit the urn during the reception.
Answer by Eny S
My Friends father died 4 months before her wedding unexpected heart attack, I went to the jeweler and got a locket in the locket I put a pic of her dad and some of his ashes in the other side, she carried it with her bouquet. She was so greatful her dad would be with her the whole day, now she keeps it in her car on the mirror
Answer by CroxyQ
It might be a little much with the ashes, however, we left seats availible for our family members that we had lost. It was subtle, but it felt like they were there with us.
Answer by Cheryl d
Wow, thats not good. Seems as if she’s having a hard time moving on. It is a little on the bazzar side. If she wants to have the urn there maybe you could suggest just placing it in the corner or bring a picture of him and have it there to. Like a small display case OFF TO THE SIDE. She might like that idea a little bit better. Recommend it to her and she how it goes.
Answer by Doodlestuff
I think having someone’s ashes at a wedding is gruesome and disrespectful. A lighted candle is far more appropriate.
Answer by JM
weird to say the least. A candle would be more appropriate, or a flower on a chair than carrying an urn down the aisle. It kind of takes away from the celebration of the day.
There is another option for her, which you or I might find creepy but she may find some comfort in. They make jewelry to store loved one’s ashes in. My friend’s father died about 2 months before her wedding and was devastated. She wore what looked like an ordinary silver heart, but her dad’s ashes were in it. Unless you were told that is what the necklace was, no one would know.
Here are some examples. They have more designs than just hearts too.
https://www.funeral-urn.com/cremation-jewelry-journey-of-life-cremation-jewelry.aspx
I’m sure there are more websites that sell this kind of jewelry. I just picked the 1st one i found for some examples.
Hope this helps.
Anonymous88 says
My dad passed away five months after I met the love of my life, nothing’s set in stone yet. He passed away very recently on New Year’s Eve during COVID19, seven hours before midnight of 2021. I’ve been dreaming about my wedding since I was a child, but every time I think about this, it brings me to tears now that I will have no father to walk me down the aisle, no father-daughter dance, and I can’t think of having my mom walking with me or dancing with me to my dad’s favorite ELO song because we’d both get emotional- I used to think it would be “Mr. Blue Sky” if dad were here, but I really think a better song is “Just for Love” by Jeff Lynne’s ELO, which was the last song my mom played for him before he passed.
That said, to try to cheer this up, I really can’t bring myself to think about using my dad’s ashes in anything- my dad was cremated too. I’d rather keep my dad’s remains with my mother at her place, and not have them anywhere else. If I were getting married in the future, not now, but someday-
My dad’s favorite color was light blue. I want to wear a blue wedding ball gown shaped dress. But I’m also petite and plus sized, I’m a fat 160lbs. and 5’0″, and my mother and I are in so much debt that I can’t afford a blue dress and I never will. And I’m completely against finding thrift store wedding gowns, and to add insult to serious injury of my mental illness- I really am terrified blind of City Hall because I once appeared in court when I was hit by a car when I was walking in a marked crosswalk- this is Maryland, by the way- and the judge scared me- I really hate court judges and justices, I have decided that elopements and getting married in a courthouse is out of the question. I want a real wedding.
For walking down the aisle, I have too many cousins on my dad’s side of the family, my aunt even gave birth to twins, I can’t pick which one to walk with me, and I want to sing Katy Perry’s “Never Worn White” instead of the bridal march, which will lead into my partner’s dad’s favorite song “Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Elvis, his dad also passed away, but almost 30 years before he even met me, he passed when my partner was a child, and then the song will go into my mom and dad’s wedding song, which was “Longer” by Dan Fogelberg. My dad left the world very young, in his late 50s, he loved Jeff Lynne and Don Henley as his favorite musicians in the world- I hoped that in the ceremony, my dad would sing “For My Wedding” by Don Henley from Greatest Hits, karaoke style, and even before he passed away, my dad said, “Sure! I’ll do it.” -even though when I was younger, he yelled at me that I’m getting married at City Hall because it’s cheaper and that’s final, and he never said he was sorry, broke my heart. -This would be too much for my mother to handle, and I have a very loud soprano singing voice. But I still want to capture that moment of seeing that shocked face on my partner at the other end of the aisle, so he can’t walk with me either, and I’d rather not walk alone- Irish family tradition.
Doing anything with my dad’s ashes is not appealing to me, I’d rather keep all of him with my mother and do something else.
Instead, I want to write a letter to my dad, since I have absolutely nothing of his writings that he wrote, he never wrote a letter to me before he died, he actually wasn’t ready- he passed away in his sleep during surgery, he had just made a recovery from cancer and this was supposed to be the very last surgery, and on Dec. 31, 2020, that was it, it was over. It crushed me and my mom tenfold. And I’m an only child, I have no brothers, no sisters, no siblings of any kind except really good girl-friends and their husbands, and only one of them is single but lives in Oregon and she’d be my maid of honor, basically. My life is a total mess. So, I’ve decided to write a letter to my dad and read it at the ceremony, probably incorporating something nerdy, like Princess Bride, or Star Trek Next Generation, his favorite show. I grew up in fandom, lived every year going to conventions all the time, and it didn’t matter if my dad’s friends hated my mom or not, even if they still do today. I’d rather write a letter for closure, and then for the dance, and this is crazier- I am going to ask all the guests, everyone at the wedding, even if they know my partner and never met me, to get up and take turns dancing with the bride to “Just for Love” by my dad’s favorite band, and then go into “Mr. Blue Sky”. But I think it would be a nicer gesture.
Again, I’m still thinking in both past and future. I have a mental illness. I’m still in the first year of grief and bereavement. It’s painful to think about. And I have no plans for anything in years to come, nothing.
Bottom line- Don’t use anything from that urn. You are still grieving. I still have a fresh wound from losing my dad almost seven months ago, and my birthday is coming. I had the worst Father’s Day ever in the history of that holiday, depressing as it sounds, holding my mother and crying together a lot. Let the wounds heal. Don’t think about any of this until you have a clear head. Then go in with NO expectations. Make your decisions on your good judgment with no impulses.