Is it disrespectful to a current wife to visit a deceased wife’s grave?

Bob: Is it disrespectful to a current wife to visit a deceased wife’s grave?
I was planning to visit my deceased wife’s grave with my adult children when they flew in for the holidays. My current wife asked me not to, because it was disrespectful.

Answers and Views:

Answer by wordsofapoet
And why would it be disrespectful???
Honestly i think it’s disrespectful of your current wife to even suggest that. you and your children have the right to visit a former family member. if she doesn’t want to go, i don’t think she has to, but it’s in no way disrespectful for you or your children to visit her.
If she calls visiting your deceased wife’s grave disrespectful, i think you made a bit of a mistake in marrying her. I’m sorry, but that’s what i think.

Answer by Hannah Bellefleur
It’s disrespectful for you and your children to visit your wife/their mother’s grave? That makes absolutely no sense. If she doesn’t feel comfortable going, then leave her behind.

Answer by JohnnyBeGood
Your new wife is a bitch

Answer by Berry Berry
That is NOT disrespectful. It would be disrespectful, at least in my opinion, to not visit her grave.

Answer by mia
That’s a tuff one! You could tell wife . 2 that your doing it for your children but also if your wife ( .2) really LOVED you more that ANYTHING she should know that this is important!

Answer by Mickey Mouse
Its not disrespectful she was a part of your life and your current wife would probably do the same thing if her ex husband passed

Answer by Bicycle Bill
Your current wife needs to understand that your deceased spouse was part of your life for a long time before she died. She should also understand that you did not fall out of love with her, like in a divorce, but she left your life under very difficult circumstances, and that you will always love her. Assuming this is true. Your grown children also deserve to see you showing a sign of respect towards her.

In my opinion, it is your current wife who is being disrespectful towards your, your deceased wife, and your children.

Answer by Choqs
Absolutely not. Your current wife is the one who is way out of line. Your deceased wife bore your children and probably gave you the best years of her life which deserve your respect, to say nothing of how your children will feel if you refuse to go and acknowledge the role she played in all of your lives.
Sounds like your current wife is jealous of a dead woman, now that’s disrespectful and pathetic. Just my opinion.

Answer by mercy
No, it is not disrespectful and she is being unreasonable and selfish. You should be able to be there with your children to support them for the visitation at the grave. Wow, how insensitive can someone be.You know what , when my husband passed away, he passed away at home in he and his wife’s bed. They called me and told me that it wasn’t going to be much longer, his wife called ME. She asked me if I wanted to say goodbye to him and she would leave the room while we spoke to each other. She said because afterall,You was Mrs. Mercy before I was. And I thought that was very sweet of her to include me. I declined though cause I can’t handle death well and I wanted to remember him well. Someone should talk to her, maybe she’ll see things differently.

Answer by SassyMs
So, your current wife is so insecure, she is afraid of you visiting your wife who passed away grave? I’d say she has issues if she is fearful of playing second fiddle to a decedent.

Answer by Mr. Dent
Tell the current wife to mind her business..why is she worried about a deceased spouse..if this is the mother of your children than by all means you go and support your children..whether they are grown or what not..its disrespectful for your current wife to even say something like that out of her mouth..I suppose when the children visit and they see something that reminds them of their mother they shouldn’t utter a peep of her…your new wife needs to stay in her place and realize someone was there before her..and when you say deceased it sounds as if you all were together until she departed..so by all means go visit the grave..and if anything she should be supportive of you and your children…God Bless You and Your Children..this is one of the hardest times of the year for children who have lost a parent..

Answer by Ali
She was there first! Disrespectful? I’m perplexed. You’re going to see your deceased wife out of respect. Ask you’re current wife how she would feel if you never went to see her if she was deceased? That would hurt! I would try to reassure her and let her know you love her. I’m not sure why she’s so against it… seriously what could happen??? Anyhow I’m sorry for you loss, God bless your deceased wife, and I hope you have a nice time with your children.

Answer by Badger G
Your current wife is way out of line!

I don’t think I even need to explain further. Your heart and your common sense know why.

If you are wondering how to tell your Wife you are going anyway…show her the barrage of answers you are getting telling her she’s being deeply disrespectful to the Mother of your Children and a Woman who did nothing wrong but love you before she did!

Answer by Edward Fox
Your current wife is the disrespectful one. She should be ashamed of herself. She is a total disgrace. How can allowing adult children to visit their mother’s grave be “disrespectful”? I think she needs some sort of psychiatric assessment

Answer by Bears Mom
What on earth is disrespectful about going to visit your deceased wife’s grave with your adult children? Your current wife is absolutely in the wrong. She has to realize you were married to this woman and had children with her. To not visit the grave would be even more disrespectful. She was part of your life and there is no reason whatsoever you shouldn’t go pay your respects.

Answer by Cyndi
Wow, can I come over and slap your wife?

Answer by KrudKutter
Absolutely NOT disrespectful in any way. Not only should you go with your children – out of respect for YOU and in honor of your family, your current wife should attend with you.

This was your life before you were even involved with your current wife. Your current wife needs to grow up – how did you wind up getting involved with such a childish, selfish person ? What other childish and unreasonable demands does she put on you and your family ?

Answer by marys.momma
Fewer and fewer people follow the custom of visiting a deceased family member’s grave these days. Perhaps this is way outside your current wife’s experience, which is why she’s worried.

Visiting your deceased wife’s grave is not disrespectful. In fact it show respect for the whole idea of marriage, that you are willing to support your children’s feelings as they remember their mother. Everybody knows that your previous marriage was “until death do us part”, so your current wife has nothing to be upset about. If you were going to the cemetery with flowers every weekend, she could start to worry, but a one-time deal like this? Give your wife some extra affection, and reassure her that it was precisely because your previous marriage was a good one, that you’re able to be happy with her, now.

Answer by za
It cannot be wrong to visit your wife’s grave, and the grave of your children’s mother. There is no need for you present wife to join you.

Answer by Jennifer
Sounds like she has jealousy and/or self-esteem issues. Try talking to her first. Find out if she is worried she is going to be upstaged by this visit. Also tell her that you are their father, and all of you should be together for emotional support during this time. She probably just needs assurance that she may be your second(?) wife, but she’ll never be in some number two spot.

Answer by FerretWonder
It sounds to me like she feels really insecure. Like she feels like she’ll never be as good as your deceased spouse. You should talk about this.

Answer by Orla C
Nothing wrong with your and your kids visiting their mother’s grave. Does this mean that your current wife feels that you’re disrespecting her by respecting your first wife who has died?

Seriously, your current wife would want to cop onto herself and stop being so selfish, it’s natural for your children to miss their mother. I mean, you were all a family together.

Answer by Constance X
Tell her that’s just what you’re going to do. It seems a lovely way to honor the past you had with your family. I’d tell her she’s invited, her choice. I don’t see how she can deny you this one outing.

Answer by susan m
Yes, a little.

It depends on how long wife #1 has been gone (if it’s many years, let it go), whether or not you are normally a grave visiting type of person, and if you all come home bummed out and depress the entire house for the holiday.

I don’t visit graves and can’t see the point of ruining happy times by dwelling on misery and making it a focal point of the holiday season. Why not just dress in black and cry the whole time for what you lost. It will make wife #2 feel precious and treasured to know that you wish you still had #1 and that’s how it seems if you still miss #1 and grieve losing her.

Why does wife #2 have to remain forever second place? That she can’t ever be the heart of her own home, and must be reminded forever that someone was there first???

Don’t you see that you’re not treating wife #2 right?

I can see the perspective of all other answerers, but they’re wrong about it being stupid to feel jealous of a dead woman. Apparently, since #2 DID say this bothered her, if you go, then you are choosing #1 over her and she can never compete or win, so she has reason to feel jealous. Think about it. Is it that important to you to go? Your kids can go alone.