How do I get my husband to understand?

cass: How do I get my husband to understand?
I have a three month old son that I breastfeed and he refuses to take a bottle or a pacifier. My husband wants to go somewhere every weekend all day long. This can get difficult. I am also tired because of the housekeeping, cooking, and I am taking online college courses. I also have three other kids at home, their ages are 11, 9, and 8. My baby does not sleep thru the night. I don’t think my husband understands how tired I am. How do I get him to understand that I am tired and this also makes our baby tired and cranking when he is out all day and kept awake so much? Just telling him does not work. He thinks that I am just making excuses because I don’t want to do anything but sit at home.

Answers and Views:

Answer by Mrs. Ransom
I hate to say this but med will never understand how it feels to be a mom. I went through the same thing. Just keep your head up and get those other little ones to help you with some of the house work.

Answer by Mamasquirrel
I would say go out by yourself for a day and let him take care of the kids, but you said you were breastfeeding. Is it possible for him to observe you on a Saturday to see what you have to go through? I don’t think some husbands understand how tiring it is to be a mom. Also, breastfeeding can cause you to be lethargic…it take a lot for your body to keep producing the milk for your baby. You could tell him this. Good luck!

Answer by Mom of 4 boys and twins
they will never completely understand. I am pretty much in the same boat or at least I have been before. What I did was forced myself to make the extra effort to get out with him at least once a month if not every other week. If you dont do something hes going to find something (or someone) else to occupy his time and have fun with. Just make the extra effort for your husband that you seem to be doing for everyone and everything else. Your husband feels like he is on the back burner and he occasionally needs to feels like he is numero uno just like we all do.

Answer by the_emrod
Express some milk, leave the children for the day and go out, leaving him in charge.

It’s the only way. When the baby won’t drink (he will eventually when he is hungry) your husband might begin to realise how difficult it has been for you.

Answer by startingathebottom
The night before your weekend escapades have him get up with the baby so he can see how tiring it really is. Men have no idea of what we go through. (I should say some men). Of course he wouldn’t admit it and say ” Wow honey, I see what you mean”… (pump some milk into bottles for him)

Just tell him for now while the baby is still waking at night you will only participate with the activities every other weekend. He will get over it, and as the baby gets older it will be a little easier. Good luck!

Answer by M_R_bongo
Call Larry H. Parker (he’s a divorce attorney) I PROMISE HE WILL START LISTENING

Answer by mirza baig
thats really a big problem because there is no cure for it,…u juz have to keep ur head up n make some extra efforts…try to go out with him every week n u can ask ur other children to help u out….im sure they will love it….
good luck…

Answer by CONFUSED
IF HE WANTS TO GO OUT THEN TELL HIM TO TAKE YOUR THREE OLDER CHILDREN SO U CAN REST. ESPECIALLY ON THE WEEKEND. HAVE HIM SPEND TIME WITH YOUR BABY TOO. U GO OUT WITH YOUR CHILDREN, BUT LEAVE HIM THE BABY. MAYBE HE WILL GET THE PICTURE HOW TIRING IT CAN BE.GOOD LUCK.

Answer by cre8iv.e_mo
Have him come to a doctor’s appointment with you. Tell the doctor how tired you are…the doctor will (or should) ask what your routine is, etc. Hopefully the doctor will tell you that you need more rest & some help!

I went through the same thing – kids were 13, 8, 6 & newborn. I had no interest in anything, and asked the doctor about it…he told me I was an overworked & tired mommy.

I have a friend who is pregnant & her boyfriend didn’t understand why she was so tired. It took him going to the doctor the doctor with her to understand.

Hope this helps…Good Luck!

Answer by david a
To prove your point about how much goes into being a stay at home mother, taxi driver, cook, housekeeper, physician assistant, referee, disciplinarian, substute teacher with home work skills, nanny, and loving wife … have him ask the question on this forum “what is the toughest job in the world” … any intelligent person knows that you have that job. Just think he gets to go to work and put in his 8 hours. While at work he gets scheduled breaks … goes out for lunch, has other adults to talk to and converse with during the entire day, he gets to see something new and different each day … unless he is working in production … but for the most part a day at work for his would be a vacation to you.
He wants to do things on the weekend because that is what people think they are supposed to do … perhaps he should let you take a weekend off and go to your mom’s or sisters for the weekend and he would take care of the kids and all the chores … doubt that he can breast feed the baby … but the rest of the activities should change his mind about what it is that you do all day long.

By the way, I am a male and my wife did something simular to me when I questioned what she did all day long. I was surprised to say the least.

Answer by gypsy g
Send him out with the kids by his self…pump your milk give him 3 bottles and send him on his way with all the children. You get to sleep in and he gets to be you for the day.

Answer by rowdysunsetart
Well honey if he were any kind of a good husband you wouldnt be doing it alone!!! There are herbs you can take to make your milk thick and rich so that baby will sleep thru the night, these are Blessed Thistle, Chlorophyll, Fennel, Alfalfa, Red Raspberry or Marshmellow root, you can get these at a health food store. Also get yourself some Vitamin B-100 which will help you feel better and give you some energy and wont hurt the baby. You need to tell your husband to get a reality check and quit being so self centered and that if he helped more you wouldnt be so tired…my ex did the same thing with me and I am glad he is my ex! I feel for you I know how hard this is…try to treat yourself with kindness and if he is going to be a %$ $ #hole…and not help he should not expect anything from you. by the way when you are ready for your milk to dry up you can use Parsley, Kelp and Sage and it will help dry your milk up when you are ready to quit nursing. hope it helps

Answer by iheartlaura
Make him do what you do.When you get up inthe middle of the night to feed and change diapers make him get up with you.baby fussy?give the baby to him.kitchen dirty?tell him to clean it while tryin to keep the baby calm and entertain the other 3 kids.have him prepare all the meals.tell the other kids to bug dad for what they need this weekend instead of you.and tell him he cant brush them off on to you.you dont ignore them.you put yourself on the backburner to make everyone else happy.

unfortunatly your husband will probably never understand if he doesnt already after 4 kids…sorry.
if he wants to go out and you dont
tell him YOU WONT GO so what if he thinks you just want to sit around.maybe you do.you have good reason.
refuse.let him be upset.tell him to grow a set and quit acting like the 8 year old you need time to yourself

I admire you Im sure you are doing a wonderful job!keep itup!

Answer by Sprinkles C
On the weekend.. WAKE HIM UP..
Let him know.. I really do not know if you understand how much this takes out of me..I am going to share with you how much sleep I really do get. When I nurse the baby at night I want you to wake up with me and stay awake.. Follow me for the weekend and see how “EASY” it is.. OH also.. fill up a back pack of how much the baby weighs and make him wear it all day long…or at least every time you have to hold the baby…
I did this to my hubby.. he was sooooooo tired by the afternoon on Sunday.. he now gives me time alone only one day a week.. but it was more then I had..

Answer by butternut0000
It sounds like my husband. Men just don’t get it. They think us women have an easy job. Well we don’t.

Answer by MaPetiteHippopotame
I dont know if there is anything you can do to get a man to understand this, other than have him take over some of what you are doing so you get a bit of your energy back. Yeah, like you WANT to stay home all the time… because it’s fun to be a shut-in. I felt the same way as you except I only had one child to take care of. I cant really imagine having 4. Thankfully your other children are getting old enough to be self-sufficient in a lot of respects, so that is nice. It’s so sad men dont get it, that women cant do everything. Breastfeeding takes so much out of you, and is a 24/7 job. My girl took a bottle really easy (given a bottle at the hospital at just a day old) and it was always tempting to switch to formula as I was SO tired and couldnt go anywhere without her, couldnt easily let anyone else feed her which seemed to be all the time. Glad I stuck with it though. Does your husband support you in your efforts to breastfeed? I tried to get my partner involved by just bringing my girl to me in the middle of the night to nurse her, but he wouldnt even do that after the first few weeks. His argument was that if I was going to be up ANYWAYS with her, why wake him up. Then he’d wonder why I didnt want to go out with him later…

Would showing him your ? and the answers perhaps put this all in perspective for him? How you see this as a problem, that you can only go out for half days or that you’ll need extra help other days so you can get more rest in. Hope things get better. Hope he starts to see how you need more time for you, to recooperate.

Answer by maegs33
There are a couple things that you can do.

First of all, borrow a pump from a friend and pump a few ounces of milk. Then, leave your husband at home with all the kids and the baby, leave a list of chores that need to get done while you’re away. You go to the library, bookstore, or someplace else where you can relax for a few hours. When you get home, check up on the chores, they’d better be done!

Secondly, sometimes I can’t express myself verbally when I’m too tired. I once wrote down everything I did to keep our house running and our life in order. It took up two columns per page for two pages, front and back. I wrote down EVERYTHING, from checking toilet paper stock, remembering extra can of beans, ordering a new calender for the wall, vaccuuming the 11 year olds room, vaccuuming the 9 year olds room, Cleaning the baseboards weekly, monthly, etc. Be specific. List in as much detail as possible. Then give it to your husband. My husband’s eyes BUGGED OUT. He started treating me better after that!

I had to do it again though. I wanted some time to myself aftger our first baby and I was working, but my husband didn’t get it. So, we both made up a schedule of what we did during the week. I listed the hours of the day, all 24, what I did during them, how long it took me. We figured out that he had 40 hours of free time a week and I had FIVE. We rejuggled our duties after that. haha. Sometimes guys need to see it in a chart or written down (or at least my logical husband needs that.)

My husband gets it now. He’s staying at home during the summer months because he’s a teacher so he’s wrangling a toddler and a 10 week old baby. He’s also in charge of housework (because I’m working darn it!) It’s so funny to see him struggling balancing everything. At least I know that when I finally get to stay at home with our babies he’ll have more empathy.
Good luck!