jayne: Why won’t my foster son say “I love you” or try to be a part of the family?
My 19 year old foster son started out five years ago as a daycare client in my Family Childcare program. B has special needs. I was always concerned he was being abused by his step mother but I had no proof until about six months ago when he showed up at my house with bruises and scratches on his face and neck. I called the authorities and they wanted to put him in a group home for adults with developmental disabilities. He was terrified by that idea so I agreed to take him into my home full time. I love this boy so much and want him to be safe and happy. I treat him exactly like my own son (who is also disabled) and try to make sure he is happy. I “think” I have been successful but he will not say “I love you” to me. He will parrot back when I tell him I love him but will not say it first. When I aks him if he wants to go on family outings he will usually refuse to come.
I asked him if he was happy here and he said he is happier than he has ever been in his life. I understand that he has been hurt but he KNOWS I will never allow him to be hurt again. It is getting really difficult to keep trying and feel rejected by this young man who refuses to respond to my love and concern for him. How do I get him to trust that I won’t abuse or abandon him?
His aunt came for a visit last week and he kept telling HER how much he loved her. He hadn’t seen this woman in several years. Why would he be so open with his feelings to her and not me? I am the one who helped him escape the abuse by his step mom, and I have tried so hard to let him know he is a good person who deserves to be loved and treated right.
It has only been about six months since he came to live with us, but he has been in my childcare program for about five years. (He started with me when he was 14) Do I need to give it more time? Because of his challenges I think it will be several more years before he will be ready to move out to some kind of assisted living situation. How do I get him to be more involved with the family and to respond to my love and concern?
Answers and Views:
Answer by Alyce
not meaning to sound horrible, but i think you need to remember that its about him, not you. like many foster children, he has been in an abusive family situation before, and in that situation i would assume he would have loved his mother deeply. and she took advantage of his love for her by being abusive. maybe he feels that if he lets the walls down and bares his heart to you, he may be broken again. of course you wouldnt hurt him again, but there is no doubt that there was a point in his life where he trusted his mother too, and she destroyed that trust.
i am sure he is very grateful for everything you have done for him. maybe to the point of feeling guilty, so don’t bring up what you have done for him, or how it has effected your life (i doubt you do, but just in case). maybe the reason he doesnt join in with your family isnt because he doesnt want to, but maybe because he feels he is intruding in your family life. i cannot imagine how it would feel to be in his situation, but i would assume he would have alot of guilt and feelings of being a burden or a “charity case” inside. although you dont see him that way of course, you have to remember that foster children have been damaged. its your job to mend them, the best you can. but sometimes you cant fix everything, like their self worth and their feelings of being loved. all you can do is try. over and over. never give up. its a wonderful thing to do.
I was a foster child at one point in my life, it is hard on us as it is on the parent. Thank you for what you do. I have to agree with the other comment left. IT may be that he don’t want to end up hurt again, so he don’t want to show you the love that caused him to get hurt in the first place. It is something that is going to take a long long time to work out in his mind.
The aunt thing may be because when he did see her years ago he was able to love her and not be hurt. He may remember her from then.
as far as family time, and going places, he may be fear of doing something wrong in public which would cause you to get upset at him. You would need to know when and where the abuse started for him and work on it.
I know when I was a foster child I didn’t trust the parents, i didn’t want to go places. It was something I had to over come in counseling. I know it is stressful having 2 hand cap children, and you got my vote. I have one child and its hard enough. Keep your head up, and just keep working at it.
God Bless you.Answer by Abbi Goodgion
first of all what you did was amazing! i think it will take longer because of his disabilities, but remember that you are the one that saved him and he will very soon see that and that day will most definitly come for you. you did an amazing thing for him and i am sure he sees that. it might take him a little bit to process it though. its like an abused animal. it takes them a while to communicate and show full trust to anything after it is abused for a while. but those animals always turn out to be amazing and beautiful animals. this is the same with humans. but he will most definitly be an amazing person after he gets through this stage in his life!
hope this helps!
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