DM: What is the etiquette for how a widow refers to her late husband?
I just started dating a woman who is a widow (he passed 3½ years ago), and she refers to her late husband as “her husband.” I thought that, technically, having a husband meant being married. She obviously is not married. Should she be referring to him as her late husband, ex-husband or husband?
Answers and Views:
Answer by Alliete
I think she should be referring to him as “her late husband”.
i.e. “My late husband used to go fishing”.
Maybe you can give her a bit of a help, when she says “my husband” you just aks her: Do you mean your late husband?
So then if she is clever enough will notice the huge difference when refering as my husband and my late husband.
~~Obviously she still feels very connected to her deceased husband. She probably just needs more time to get her thoughts straight. Be patient if you continue dating, She will finally see it’s not really the correct way to refer to him.It is very hard for someone who loses a spouse to stop identifying them as their spouse. It takes a very long time and maybe new feelings to help her get over this slump.~~Answer by [email protected]
Well he certainly isn’t her ex-husband.
The fact that she still talks about him, and refers to him as her husband, would lead me to believe she still isn’t over him. How long were they married before he died? It’s rather normal for someone who has been in a long relationship to take a while to feel totally comfortable dating again, and her referencing him may be a way for her to legitimize her actions to herself.
Honestly, if all else is fine, I wouldn’t worry about it.Answer by black betty
Her late husband would be the best way to refer to him, but it’s understandable to me that she would say “her husband” also because they never divorced and especially if she receives his pension.Answer by nikita
She was. She should call him “my late husband, God bless his soul”.Answer by Al M
My late wife passed away around three years ago after 20 years of marriage. I am currently in a new relationship.
When we were first getting to know each other, I referred to “my late wife” at the very beginning. Very rapidly, that seemed far too formal and so I referred to her as, “My late wife, Susan…” a couple of times, thus “introducing” my current partner to her.
Ever since then, whenever there has been a need for Susan to be mentioned, she has been referred to by name. She is definitely not “my wife”; I have not thought of her in those terms or mentioned her to others using those words since her death.
It’s unclear from your query how well you know this woman, but if you are on intimate terms and she is still referring to “her husband”, I would wonder what’s going on in her mind. It is the case that some people never get over losing a spouse by death and they consider themselves married for the rest of their lives. In such cases, anyone new they form romantic relationships with is definitely second-best. After all, it’s impossible to compete with an idealised image of perfection, especially if the passage of time continues to burnish ever more the memory of just what a wonderful man he was.
My advice would be for you to give it some time but, if you do become serious and you continue to have worries about what her talking of the man in the present tense means about how she sees you, then you must raise the subject with her in as gentle a way as possible. Be aware that, if she does remain attached to the man, then no matter how respectful and cautious you are in broaching the topic, it may result in her making unfair and hurtful accusations about your motives.
Answer by BeejeeLate husband, Elmer, if that was his name.
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