What do you do when the father of the bride is deceased?

Steph in NYC: What do you do when the father of the bride is deceased?
My niece is getting married in June 2009, and I was wondering what people think about this issue.
I guess the mother will give away the daughter, as there are no male adult relatives.
I think I am more concerned about the traditional “father daughter” dance.
I’m the aunt!!
There are no male relatives. Both grandfathers passed years ago. After the father passed away, there was no contact with his family due to a lawsuit. There are 2 uncles, but when I knew them they were kinda slimey and alcoholics.
Thanks for all the answers. They were all great and I really do appreciate the few people who gave me personal details–some are very similar to mine or my nieces experiences.

The groom’s mother has just about taken over the whole wedding…my sister had a blow out, and she is known to be unyielding, so right now she isn’t even speaking to her own daughter. The groom is a “momma’s boy” and I am dating one too, so while I haven’t met any of the directly, I think I know what they are like. (Also, the young couple live right next door to the groom’s mom, so I imagine it was fairly easy for her to take over.)
Anyway, I am just worried that the subject will be even more tense–I think I am anticipating feeling horrible if the groom actually had a mother/son dance, and my niece doesn’t have anyone. I am pretty sure my sister wouldn’t dance with the father-in-law…I guess I am thinking that the mother of the groom is going to demand that “one joy” with her only son…

Answers and Views:

Answer by D4Pres2012
the father daugher and mother son dances are not mandatory. obviously there would not be a father daughter dance. maybe she can dance with the groom’s father during the mother son dance? if there is no close male relative to give her away like an uncle or brother, she can walk down the aisle by herself or with her mom if they are very close. when the officiant says ‘who gives this woman to be married’ her mother will reply ‘i do.’

Answer by nova_queen_28
My father passed away many years ago.

I felt very uncomfortable having a “stand in” do the job that I know he would do if he were alive. So my fiance & I have decided that we will walk into our ceremony together so nobody will formally give me away. And we are just skipping that dance. BUT what we decided to add was an in-law dance where I would dance with my father-in-law and my fiance would dance with my mom.

Answer by ducky~engaged!
my close friend just got married and both of her parents has no longer with us. she had her grandpa walk her down the aisle and do the dance with her. it doesn’t even have to be a male who gives her away. it could be a family member or close friend

Answer by dwstargzr
There are so many options for this. You say she doesn’t have any adult male relatives, what are you? She can have any male walk her down the aisle. Typically this person will be someone she is very close to. If her father passed a long time ago, she could use the man who was like her stand-in father. Or she could use a close uncle, grandpa, or the like. Personally, my father is still living, but we don’t have a good relationship. So, I walked myself down the aisle and we just didn’t have the father/daughter, mother/son dance. It was easier that way for us.

Answer by kimie
If that was me I’d get my best friend to give me away. She might be a girl and the dance might seem strange but surely if i am that close to her she may as well be family
who cares if it doesn’t conform to traditions
everyone will always remember it.
I think your niece should choose someone she is extremely close to, of course it would have been perfect for her father to be there but wouldn’t he want her to do it her way?

Answer by Heatherrrrrrrr
If everyone knows then you just tell the DJ or whatever that the dance is not going to happen. You can call it the family dance and let all relatives dance at that time.

Answer by Kristy
Nothing is required. You can skip the dances altogether or have her dance with someone else if that is what she wants. When my BFF got married last year, her mother and sister gave her away. She danced with her uncle, who is also her Godfather, in honor of her father. She felt it was appropriate because they were dancing to “honor” her father, not to replace him. That worked for them. If the guests are familiar with the situation at all, there will be no problem with skipping the dances or with her dancing with someone else. Encourage her to do what she is most comfortable doing, not what everyone else wants/expects her to do.

Good luck!

Answer by Brother Otter
She could walk down the aisle by herself.
Or she could ask almost anyone important to her.

The custom of ‘giving away’ the bride originated in a time when women were still considered property. Since we don’t think that way anymore (at least not in Western society) there’s a different context. Your niece can do with her wedding whatever means something to her.

And about dancing – go straight to the bride and groom dancing together. If it’s obviously done on purpose, with no awkwardness or apology, nobody will think a thing about it.

Answer by zoey noel
She could enter the church alone, which is just beautiful, and have her mother step to her side at the altar with the statement “In her father’s memory I give our daughter to be married.”

The father-daughter dance is not mandatory and as I read earlier the in-law dance would be nice….

Answer by Me
THis is my situation, and I am considering having my mother give me away, and to dance with my mom. I want to do a fast dance though, not too fast. But a dance to a song from the 60s or 70s that she loved.

OR I’m just going to walk down the aisle solo. I’m grown! No one needs to give me away.

Answer by iloveweddings
Hi. There is absolutely NO written rule that says that she needs to have a “father/daughter” dance. Many on this forum are not due to personal conflicts with their father; their father being deceased; their father not in their life, etc. So, tell your niece not to worry.

IF she feels close enough to her soon to be father-in-law, maybe he would be willing to have a dance with her. But, again, it is certainly not mandatory that these dances take place.

Answer by ScubaJ
My fiance is getting her mom to give her away. Her mom divorced when she was 1 so shes never known him and he is not welcome. We plan on skipping any father/daughter and mother/son dances.

Ask her who she wants to give her away. It doesn’t need to be a man, nor does she have to do the dance. It may be her mom or the next person that she is closest to.

Answer by My Three
skip it is that simple or you can find a male in her life like a good neighbor who could stand in or when it is time for the daughter father dance she can take center stage with a mic and tell her story and her memories of her dad in the place of the dance.

Answer by DollyB
She can have a mother/daughter dance. There are no rules set in stone that say you can’t do things your own way. I would recommend doing what feels right to her. There’s nothing wrong with having your mother walk you down the isle at all. I’m having my 3 year old son walk me down the isle. Some might think it’s strange since you should get married before having a kid but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Tell her to go with her heart and forget about the “rules” of weddings. Have fun with it and don’t regret a thing!

Good luck!

Answer by Tricia T
Your niece should do whatever she feels most comfortable with for going down the aisle and how she handles the father-daughter dance.

My dad died a few years before I got married. Originally, I was going to have my God father walk me down the aisle. Unfortunately about 2 months before the wedding, he told me that he would not be able to make it there. I was devastated!!!!

I did not want my brother to walk me down the aisle because, well, just because. ‘Nuff said. My mom is 80 and doesn’t have the greatest mobility.

After drying my tears (again and again), my friends and co-workers gave me a bunch of ridiculous suggestions…at my begging. One was that I am carried down the aisle on a lounge chair by big burly shirtless men a la Cleopatra. There was a suggestion that I come in on the back of an elephant. I think my absolute favorite was that we have a slip and slide instead of an aisle runner. Wheeeeee!!!!

Through these ridiculous suggestions, it made me laugh and I was able to cope with the fact that my dad or God father were not going to walk down the aisle. Ultimately I decided to walk down the aisle alone, my brother walked from where he was standing with the groomsmen, and she gave me away to the priest at the front of the church.

When I would start to feel weepy eyed about walking down the aisle without my dad and missing my dad, I pictured sliding down a slip and slide down the aisle in my wedding dress. Wheee!

As for the father-daughter dance, we didn’t have one. We went right from our first dance to the mother-son dance. We had this long-standing family joke with my dad about the band Duran Duran. So, I had the DJ play some Duran Duran during my reception. There was no anouncement…it was just played like every other song during the dance part of the reception. Actually, I didn’t even hear the song being played. That’s ok. I am friends with the DJ and he assured me afterwards that he played several Duran Duran songs.

If my God father attended the wedding, he and I would have danced to one of their songs…so that my dad could still be there in spirit during that dance. I wanted a fast moving song so I wouldn’t be crying and missing my dad then. When my sister got married she wasn’t going to have a father-daughter dance either. However, my Godfather (who gave her away) asked the DJ about it. So the DJ picked a song and called them up for an uncle-niece dance. I had to leave and go to the bathroom to cry, so I didn’t want everyone’s eyes to be on me when I was the bride sobbing about missing her dad..

Answer by truefirstedition
Your niece can choose whoever she wants to escort her down the aisle – her mother, a best friend, a sibling, her thoughtful aunt, or she can choose to walk by herself.

Same thing with the dance. She can choose not to have one, or she can dance with someone else close to her.

It doesn’t have to be a male relative. It can be anyone the bride chooses, male or female, relative or not.

Answer by Amanda F
My father died when I was 15 in a motorcycle wreck, so when I get married in April 2010, I’m having his best friend walk me down the aisle. I do have male uncles and a step-grandpa, but I’m not as close to them as my dad’s friend. Plus we are putting up memorial candles for the people we lost that were the closest to us (my fiance lost his son in a car wreck).

When it comes to the father daughter dance, I’m going to request that it be skipped altogether. Any DJ or band will be more than willing to accommodate whatever the bride decides.

Remember, it’s the brides decision.

Answer by Lydia
Hi! My dad had passed away two years before I got married.
I asked my mom if she would walk me up the aisle, but she didn’t want to – I understood, she just wanted to be the special MOB…
I didn’t want my older brother to escort me, or someone else, so my husband and I walked up the aisle together. The attendants walked in as couples ahead of us.
For the parent dance, I danced with my older brother. I wish I hadn’t – would have just left it out… My husband’s mom wasn’t there from Europe, so we just should have gone from our couple dance, to the wedding party dance, then open dance.

I’ve seen where the bride dances with the father in law, though, the same time as the groom dances with his mom.