“sex” vs. “making love”… How do i move from casual “bar” sex to “i love you” sex…Help??

city girl: “sex” vs. “making love”… How do i move from casual “bar” sex to “i love you” sex…Help??
I have had VERY bad sexual experiences in the past with not respecting myself or my body because of a rape situation a few years ago that I couldn’t face. I have gone through counseling for it and a lot of prayer from my family and friends. I am in a “real” relationship for the first time in my life. I am almost certain this will lead towards marriage (we have already talked about it and he is moving with me to the mid-west in early next year.) I love him so much and him me. I know its on his mind but hasn’t said anything or tried to push for it but with my bad experiences with sex I feel like its still a “dirty” thing…not something you would do with someone you love but something you would do for fulfillment after a drunken night at the bar. I have never “made love” with a man I really care about only drunken one-night stands and casual flings. I don’t know how to get over this feeling and I’m afraid that sleeping with him will do one of two things…me surrendering to him and letting my guard down and him hurting me or me always thinking of sex as just “sex” and never as an act of love. Any thoughts that are genuine would be nice…Thanks!

Answers and Views:

Answer by Cecilia M
Have you both talked about sex? It doesn’t hurt a relationship to talk openly about your expectations and feelings. If he truly loves you, then he will want to know how you feel about something so important as sex is.

Answer by teresathegreat
The logical answer would be to wait until you are both comfortable saying “I love you” spontaneously. If the love exists before sex occurs, then the act would be an expression of that love, and not just a biological urge.

I’d also suggest continued counseling to deal with your ongoing self-esteem issues and help you towards your personal and relationship potentials.

Answer by Old Shoes
A therapist would be able to help you much better than anyone on Answers. You should tell your mate about your issues, and if he truely loves you, he will understand and help you. Good luck, and congradulations on finding true love.

Answer by benz s55
First of all, I want to say that I am sorry for what someone forced you to do. You didn’t deserve for that to happen to you.

The only thing that you can do is keep getting counseling and dealing with the issues that you have about sex. And when it is right for you and only on your terms, should you go ahead and do that. It really is a special thing when you share it with someone you love. Good luck and hope you’re able to get passed the bad things.

Answer by drshorty
Personally, I believe that people shouldn’t have sex until they are married. I am so sorry for the rape in your past. It seems completely reasonable that your past traumatic sexual experiences are affecting your current relationship. I think it would be a good idea for you and your boyfriend to work through these issues together. You could see a marriage counselor, for example. If you are that committed to each other, it will be worth the work to prevent possible problems in your future relationship. I wish you happiness in your future.

Answer by diamond_kursed
You should surrender to him.

Answer by 20+ years and still in-love!
I know how you feel; you are going to have to let your guard down to him, and pray that he doesn’t hurt you emotionally, but there never is a guarantee. Don’t plan it, go out for a nice romantic evening and allow nature and hormones to take their course. If you begin to feel uneasy then stop. I hope he is aware of the situation because then it will be easier for him to except and easier for him to understand when and if you must ask him to stop. Only time and the counseling you are receiving will help with what has occurred.

Answer by punxy_girl
Go really slow. Like high school. Lots of cuddling and snuggling and kissing and sweet nothings. Over weeks. Don’t do it unless you really feel ready, but I think if he is tender and patient you eventually will. Part of it will be keeping your own mind on positive things. If it starts to wonder to a negative area during your lovemaking, purposefully start remembering nice things about your man like when he did something sweet. If this doesn’t work, please get counseling. It’s really worth it and you don’t want to waste more of your life on some jerk years ago do you?

Answer by yourguessisasgoodasyours
First let me say that I am sorry that you had to go through that and there is no amount of therapy that would ever ever help you forget that.

You and your partner will probably be best introducing sex in phases, he will have to be totally understanding for you and you only need to worry about when and if you are ready. This is so not a cut and dry answer. If he loves you he will wait, if he understands you then it will be easier, just because you love him or even you wanting to go all the way does not mean that your conscious will let you.

You will have this for the rest of your life and you will have to find a comfort zone that is aceptible to the both of you

Answer by ontheedge
Hi, you present a great question. I was raped many many years ago. It still plays little roles in my life from time to time. And some sexual stuff just doesn’t work for me.I was only 18, I didn’t know the guy, it was considered date rape because we started out at a neighborhood party. I was hurt, raped and left on the side of the road only to be found by the girl who took me to the party.
It took over 18 years to cough it up and learn what it meant to have an organism and to experience true love. Good for you that you are at the beginning of your relationship. Here is what I know, and I will quote my source below. When two people are attracted to one another it is a good start. But it isn’t love. Love grows from what you give and recieve through your communication and experiences the two of you have together. You learn what you have in common. What you like to do together. You learn to play together. You become best friend. You bond, share, trust and are truthful. When it come time for sex, you will both know. You are both responsible for your own organisms. It is more mental then physical. It come from the feelings you feel for this other person and the pleasure you have in their company. This is how you can tell “true love”. You will both become organsmic just thinking about one another. And if you have learned to play well together, the physicl is even more fun, the future is hopeful and promising. I hope this is the guy for you and you for him, and I wish for you a great life. Peace

Answer by muslim-doctor
im so sorry 4 ur hard times and bad experience,
For a person to become sexually aroused and to function normally, he or she needs to have a feeling of self-confidence, freedom from anxiety, the presence of arousing mental and physical stimulation, and the ability to focus attention on sexually arousing thoughts or behavior. Anything that interferes with these conditions can disrupt a sexual encounter. If one or more of these conditions is routinely absent, an inability to perform can become a lasting problem.

Self-confidence includes a belief that you’ll be able to perform sexually, a belief that the partner finds you attractive, and a feeling that the partner has good intentions. If one of the partners routinely belittles or threatens the other, such confidence can be undermined.

Any type of anxiety can lead to an episode of sexual failure. The most common type of anxiety is performance anxiety, in which the person is afraid that he or she won’t be able to become aroused and function normally. This fear of failure is self-perpetuating because the anxiety interferes with arousal. The inability to become aroused then increases the anxiety.

In order to become aroused, people generally need the mental stimulation of a partner they love or find attractive, combined with appropriate physical stimulation. The need for direct physical stimulation increases with age.

In order for stimulation to be arousing, it is necessary for a person to be able to pay attention to it. If someone is distracted by thoughts of possible failure or a lack of self-confidence or has concerns about how the partner is reacting, this will distract from the arousing sexual activity.

Answer by natalie
I think the best thing to do at this point would not be the regular ordinary sex, as that wouldn’t help you gain intimacy and banish the ghosts of the past.
Instead, you should spend as much naked time together as possible NOT actually, ummmm…. “bouncing” but instead take the time to gradually explore each-other. Discover both your hills and valleys. Cuddle and caress everywhere, kiss everything. Become physically intimate in a truer sense than just sex, by getting to know his skin, where he is ticklish, how softly he can touch you. play, experiment, find out where his moles and freckles are. touch him with ice and chocolate.
This will make you ready, once you are familiar with his body and “equipment”, to let him get to know your insides as well as your outsides. You will know when you have this feeling, like you need to gather him into yourself, that you NEED him inside you. go very slowly at first. there’s no rush.
Be aware of everything about the experience. take time to notice the colors around you, the feel of his skin, the excitement of your own, the scent of the sheets, the candles, or the perfume, the warmth soaking into your body. Let the entire experience impress itself on you, like you are fresh melted wax. Take him into you gently and make him a part of you forever.
Then you will see just how different it is, nothing at all like what happened before.