Need help with my story.?

Innocence with an edge: Need help with my story.?
I was just wondering if you could read the first chapter and tell me what you think??? (PLEASE IGNORE MY GRAMMAR I’LL EDIT LATER WHEN I PUBLISH IT ON BOOKSIE)

Love’s Abuse

Bailey, Chryssa, and Nina have been best friends since they were 3. Now 19 and grown. They live together in a small apartment. Nina is trying to find love and still stay remain on her feet. Chryssa has been dealing with her boyfriend’s physical abuse for more than a year now and now getting angrier with every breath can she find the strength to leave him or stay with him and try to get help for him. Bailey has been with her boyfriend for three years now and year ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia. Is she strong enough to go through the trials and everything in between? Can all three girls still manage to stay strong and live for God???

Chryssa’s POV

“Deal with it” Tommy smirked at my pain. I looked at him crying. He wasn’t normally like this. Only when he was drunk. He laughed a deep laugh which shook his body. He walked out of my apartment without speaking another word. I picked my body up. I walked to the bathroom observing my bruised face. It had gotten swollen pretty quickly. I did my usual precautions to cover it up. The only people who knew about Tommy’s abuse was God, Bailey, and Nina. No one else had a clue. I sat at the counter waiting for Bailey and Nina to arrive home. They both had classes today. Luckily mine is at night. Unlike theirs. I heard the door opening about ten minutes later causing me to jump. Nina walked in carrying a huge box. She dropped it to the table with a huff. She looked at me and sighed.

“Not again” She groaned and I nodded.

“I’ll kill him” She balled her fist together, but we both know she wouldn’t. She is way to soft for anything like that. If anything it would be Bailey who would kill him. She has already gave him three black eyes, A concussion, and multiple bruises. She is the tough one of us all, but she is very soft at heart.

“Just forget it” I gave her a crooked smile before asking her what was in the box.

“So glad you asked” She gave me a ear to ear smiled. She opened the box revealing a heavy looking machine.

“What is it” I asked looking the machine up and down.

“Boob Buster 3000” She smiled widely and I rolled my eyes.

“Can’t you just be happy with what God gave you” I asked her.she sighed heavily and just shook her head.

“Easy for you to say!” She exaggerated her words “You and Bailey have bigger breast then a person getting a normal breast implant” She said and I just laughed.

“Not our fault, besides it’s not all that fun being “Gifted” I informed her, but she just laughed.

“And how so” She challenged.

“We can’t run in normal clothes, We always have to buy one size larger in shirts, and we weigh more because of our boobs” I counted on my finger.

“Fine you win, but I’m still using it” She said carrying the box to her room. I just rolled my eyes at the sight of her carrying it. She is always worrying about stuff like that. She is always saying “You and Bailey have this” When in reality we..or at least I would love to have her small petite figure. I flopped on the couch truing the TV to MTV. Right in the middle of a Katy Perry music video I heard someone behind me. I looked back to see Bailey watching the video. I saw her boyfriend, Liam behind her. I smiled at the two of them.

“Hey” I said and scooted over so they could sit down. Bailey smiled at me and sat down. Liam followed her laying his head down on her shoulder. Which was quite a sight. He stood 6’4 and was muscular, but not the point of grossness. She stood 5’0 and was very weak.

“Where is Nina?” Bailey asked looking around.

“Trying to make her boobs bigger” I said laughing a little.

“That girl” Bailey shook her head “God gave her the body he wanted her to have” She sighed

“Tried telling her that, but she is determined” I rolled my eyes. “Anyway I better be heading to class” I said standing up

“Hey” Bailey called right when I was at the door.

“Yeah” I turned to look at her

“Tell Tommy if he touches you again I’ll give him another bruise” She said and I smiled

“I know you will” I smiled at her and walked to my car.

I arrive at the college ten minutes later. The air was warm and gave me a fuzzy feeling. I walked towards the classroom just taking everything in. I was greeted by my friend Elsa.

“Hey Nina” She said her Spanish accent coming through thick.

“Hey Elsa” I smiled and sat down beside her.

“What happen to your cheek” She asked her eyes going wide.

“It’s nothing” I qui
I fix all the punctuation when I’m done, but I haven’t yet since I’m not.

Answers and Views:

Answer by emilymurphy!
Your dialogue and punctuation isn’t done well.

Answer by Jordyn
Your sentences are choppy. Don’t make them all the same length; use more details in some and less in others.

Answer by Walter M- Barbara
I love the part where you put in the fact that Nina had the large boobs. So you have three young women who pray together and overcome many blocks with their faith. They seem to have wonderful personalities. I would tickle the idea of Nina taking it to her boyfriend right in your first paragraph which is called a prompt. The stronger it is, the faster you will get your reader into the book.
Make sure your girls’ personalities come on strong and opposite of each other. Explain in detail in your prompt but string the possibilities out . Your book depends just as interesting as the events to different attitudes on how to cope with God. Good beginning, and indent your conversation away from description like
“It’s nothing” I qui
and so on!