Monica: What can I improve on this chapter?
Can you tell me what you think of it and give me comments on it?
“From Suburban To Urban”
Andy stood by the concession stands with his friends Carter, Lucas, and Geoffrey Ziegler.
“Holly’s friend is really hot.” Andy commented.
“Dude, she’s black.” Geoffrey remarked.
They ignored him. Andy shook his head.
Geoffrey’s so funny. He thought.
He never took any of Geoffrey’s offensive comments seriously because he always thought he was only joking.
Holly’s friend, Savannah Ripley, walked up to the concession stands to get a small bag of popcorn and a Monster. Andy watched her take a few kernels and popped them into her mouth. She looked at her fingers for a moment and then licked the butter of them. Andy, Carter, and Lucas had the same thoughts when they saw that.
“Don’t you have a girlfriend?” Lucas asked Andy.
“Just because I have a girlfriend doesn’t mean I can’t have fun.”
“Alright, bro.” Lucas said. “Do whatever you want.”
Andy saw Savannah standing by the platform with a bunch of other people. He eagerly made his way over to her.
Suddenly, he felt someone grab him by the shoulder.
“Whoa!” he exclaimed.
He whipped his head around to see his friend Eric Morrison. He was a chubby African American boy wearing a navy polo over khakis.
“Why you all up on me?” Andy asked him.
Eric laughed. “I heard you talking over there about that girl being cute. I want to help you.”
“Now is not the time.” Andy hissed.
Eric was showing up at the wrong place and at the wrong time.
“Come on.” persisted Eric. “You said you liked dark meat.”
Savannah immediately looked up and stared at Andy. She had that same look that girl from Superbad had when Michael Cera stared at her breasts.
“Go!” Andy whispered sharply to Eric.
Eric continued on ignoring him. “He thinks you’re hot.”
Savannah kept on staring at them with that deer-caught-in-the-headlights expression. She finally spoke. “Okay.”
Savannah was feeling uncomfortable with their presence.
“Are you friends with Holly?” Andy asked conversationally.
Savannah thought about that question for a moment. She hadn’t know Holly for very long, but she decided to nod yes anyway.
“Me and her are good friends.” Andy continued. “How do you know her?”
“We have classes together.”
“Do you like Tupac?” Andy asked stupidly.
“What?” Savannah asked, her eyes squinting a little bit.
“Cause I like him.” Andy said, putting on a ghetto accent.
“Who are you?” Savannah asked.
She immediately wished she hadn’t asked him that because she realized she sounded rude. He didn’t seem to mind at all.
“I’m And E. Fresh!” Andy said.
Savannah frowned. She wasn’t sure rather she liked Andy or not. She wondered if he was making fun of her.
“Seriously, what’s your name?” she asked, frustrated.
“I told you what my name was.” Andy said.
Savannah found her answer on what she thought about him. “I’m going to go somewhere else.”
And without saying bye, she got up and left.
“You suck.” Eric said.
“It’s your fault.” Andy said indignantly.
Eric laughed uproariously. “Whatever you say, buddy.”
“Aw…” Holly said, coming up from behind him. “Finally met a girl you couldn’t impress.”
“Don’t start with me.” Andy said, feeling incredibly embarrassed.
“Well, serves you right.” Maris said, approaching them. “I saw the whole thing and I couldn’t stop laughing.”
“Why couldn’t you stop laughing?” demanded Andy.
“Because it was funny watching you make a fool out of yourself.” Holly said.
“Yeah, Andy, why do you always do that?” Maris asked.
“Do what?”
“Every time you get around a black person, you always put on this black accent.”
“It’s like that with everyone.” he said. “If I meet a Mexican person, I’ll start speaking Mexican to make them feel comfortable. If I meet an Indian, I’ll do the same thing.”
“Mexican is not a language.” stated Maris. “Dumbass…”
Answers and Views:
Answer by voraciousreader
Uh, well, let’s just say that you may want to rewrite it…all.
They’re is way to much dialogue and not enough thoughts, feelings and action in this.
Every action a feeling, every moment a thought, and every word a reason – something I found on YA that helped me out, I hope it helps you.
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