How much detail should I tell my husband about what happened?

Helen: How much detail should I tell my husband about what happened?
I love my husband very much but I made a mistake with another man. I know I hurt my marriage and my dear husband but we are working to recover our relationship. My problem is that my husband keeps asking the details of what happened. We have been to two counselors in the last 8 months and each has said the opposite. One says I should answer any question he has as a path to his healing. Another says I should never answer questions about such details. Has anyone else dealt with this? Should I answer his questions or keep those out of the conversation?

Answers and Views:

Answer by Em
I wouldn’t give him the details. Honestly, he “wants” to know them- but in reality, he doesn’t want to either- and after knowing them, he’ll wish he didn’t.

Answer by spankmaster general
You need to tell him every detail and add some with it!
That will give the option to stay or go!

Answer by Masta Baytor
Tell us the details, and we can decide if you should tell your husband.

Answer by Quasimodo
‘One says I should answer any question he has as a path to his healing.’…Yeah…just like dumping gasoline on a fire is the path you start out on to extinguish it.

“Another says I should never answer questions about such details.’ THAT is your correct answer. People like your husband are pissed because of the betrayal and its eating him alive to hear all the gory details so now he can have a detailed image of what took place. Stupid thing to demand because that only makes him more angry and ruins the chances of any reconciliation.

You phucked around. That’s it. Details aren’t necessary….period. If he cannot come to terms with that then seriously….you’d best give some consideration to make plans to end the marriage. His constant questions will allow no chance for healing at all.

Answer by Wisewords
answer his questions sensibly and if necessary use white lies. Do not give detail or describe what might destroy him rather than heal. Each time he asks a question answer it simply, say he asks, was he better than me, you say, no way, if he was I wouldn’t be here with you now, he is nothing and you are everything, there is no comparison, now come on, lets go out for a drink, meal, etc.

Simply put, your answers are ONLY about healing his hurt and the rift, not about clearing your conscience.

Answer by Mark H
The details of the specific romantic encounters seem a bit much to me. He needs to know why…why you did it and why you picked that guy. Some of the details, like how the two of you got together the first time and how you felt afterward might be relevant…..but he doesn’t need to know what positions you tried or how many orgasms you had over the course of the relationship.

Answer by Sissy Jones
Well, if he wants to know. Tell him, but be vague at best. I wouldn’t go into the juicies, it’s just going to hurt him more. He’s going to ask these questions and then beat himself up about it later.

Answer by Jackie
If he has forgiven you, and the two of you are still together, then he needs to drop it. No, don’t give him details. The less he knows the better off you are. Details can be used as weapons against a person later on. He needs to get out of the past. Let it go, and move on.

Answer by Sam
Giving details of the encounters will only give him more images of you and this other guy doing things together. He will be hurt a little more each time you give him more details of your encounters with this other guy. All you can do is tell him you love him, the other guy was a mistake and that you will be faithful to him as long as you live. Those are the details he needs to know.

Good luck. once trust is lost in a relationship, it can be VERY difficult to get back. Should he trust you? Do you trust yourself around other men you find attractive?

Answer by chebrew2000
NEVER give details. He will keep thinking about it and bringing it up incessantly. If he’s still asking after two counselors, he’s not going to get over it. Go somewhere romantic and have an amazing time. Then tell him sincerely he’s the best you’ve ever had.

Answer by J R
You need to tell him everything that he wants to know, otherwise, he will make up his own versions in his mind over and over until it makes him crazy. One of the main reasons he’s asking for the details is because he needs a completely transparent relationship with you now in order to heal and begin to trust again. If he’s asking, he needs to know. Give him all your passwords, account for where you are, tell him everything. This won’t go on forever, but it needs to happen for a while until he can gradually trust you again. Then hopefully your relationship can be stronger for it.

It’s probably better to lay it all out in one conversation, if that’s possible. Because the worst is hearing a little bit, healing from that, and then getting slammed with more information that opens up the wounds again. Just get it all out there as much as possible and deal with it together. But be sensitive. Just because you tell him the details doesn’t mean you have to tell him how great the sex was (if it was) or how much more attractive the other man is (if he is). Because that’s just cruel.

If you refuse to answer the questions (even if you say it’s to protect his feelings), he will think you are still lying to him. And even if you stay together, he will never trust you again unless he is certain he knows everything.

Answer by Shannon
You don’t get to make the rules.

If he wants to ask, you answer or you pack your bags.
He gets to ask all the excoriating questions he wants.
It is time to stop lying and stop hiding what you did.
This issue is never buried until he believes you.
He’s going to ask again in the future as well, you have to tell the truth then too and if you lie now and tell the truth then… it’s over.

The consolers can go to hell with their opinions.

Answer by smith
I would say something are better left unsaid..

Answer by Bear
Imo, the answer lies in the question “will the knowledge drive a wedge between the two of you, or, will it help give him closure.”

On one hand it’s hardly fair to cheat on the man you took vows of marriage and promised to forsake all others and then say (justifiably he will think this) “nope, I don’t want to tell you” or “nope I won’t tell you” or “sorry you are not a big enough boy to know”. Because, no matter how you phrase it one of those is what you are really telling him and he is not going to want to work things out if he is not told what happened that he is trying to work out. On the other hand, if the two of you are working on healing, and if the answers are going to push you further apart, details are just counterproductive. BUT, if he can’t rest without knowing…you have no choice, you have to tell him. You don’t get to break your marriage vows and then pick and choose what you want to tell him.

Perhaps it be more helpful to write the details down on paper so he can read it privately and digest it (rather than knee jerk reactions of anger and interruptions) and decide how to address it with you.

Answer by tammy
Well the best thing to do is be completely honest. Because the lie u come up with you will eventually forget.

Answer by azmac229
When it happened to me she immediately confessed and told me the story. A few weeks later others started to tell me different versions, including the guy she was with. The fact that she lied and did not come clean made it impossible to trust her after that. It was just a matter of time before we were through.