Guilt and Disgust In Relationships,WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?

bigg daddy: Guilt and Disgust In Relationships,WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?
I am 21 years old, I am healthy, Intelligent and good looking. I work in sales for a living and I am very good at what I do. I hate lying and I hate hurting people’s feelings because I hate how it feels when it is done to me. I would say that I have a lot going for me at this point in life but I have an issue that I think has turned into a ticking time-bomb. Although most people wouldn’t expect this problem from me ,I cannot have an Intimate relationship with a woman(no, I am not gay). I grew up in a household where I could not trust my mother or my sister. My Mother(an alcoholic)lied to me a lot, stole money from me, and was verbally abusive to me. My Mother would turn my sister and I against each other especially when her and my father fought. My mom had a very rough childhood( terrible sexual abuse) and I understand why she does the things that she does now. My father also had been sexually assaulted at one point at a young age. So to both of my parents; relationships and sex was a very touchy and awkward subject. I never actually had a “where do babies come from” conversation with my dad or mom. I pretty much learned what sex was by myself and kept it secret because it seemed so bad and dirty. I turned the TV to H.B.O. one night and I saw to naked people doing these things that I had heard about, it looked so wrong and bad but I was so intrigued by it at the same time. I saw my parents having sex one night when I was 12 and I cried hysterically because I thought it was so bad. My father; obviously embarrassed, didn’t really explain what sex means and how it’s not bad. I hated them both for that. 3 months after that my Mother said that she had to get surgery on her face, and that there was something that needed to get taken out. I remember walking in the room and seeing her face swollen so much she couldn’t open her eyes or talk. Just bloody bandages all over her face and then she had them on her chest too, I asked my dad what happened and he said “mom is going to look a lot younger when she heals” and I asked “did mom get implants?” he said yes and kind-of wanted it to end there. It turned out that she had a full face-lift, her ears were repositioned, a nose job, and the implants. I was lied to again. after she healed, she looked a lot different not to mention her breasts were so outrageously big, my friends would even ask about it. I was embarrassed of my own mother, I didn’t see her the same anymore. I looked a lot like her before the surgery, I never saw anything wrong with how she looked; she looked like my mom. Now she wanted to look like some big-titted slut that all the men were jealous of. At that point, all of my perceptions of what women should be like changed and I was really confused. I didn’t know if my dad told her she should have the operation or if she thought she was ugly or if that is normal. I think the most hurtful thing that was ever said to me was by my mother she said:” you’re gonna need to get some work done on your face too, at least a nose job.” She was completely serious and completely sober. I was 13 years old and my own Mother told me that there is something wrong with how I look. My dad caught me looking at naked-ladies a couple times as I was growing up. It’s like he was trying to catch me. He made me feel like a piece of shit and like there was something wrong with me for being interested in sex. One-time he actually got a ladder and climbed up to my second story window just to see what I was watching or doing. I didn’t know what to think I just felt angry and ashamed. I’ve been very self-conscious most of my life as I believe I tried to make myself feel better with food, so I used to be fat. I still to this day look in the mirror and think I look weird sometimes, it’s a struggle to look people in the eyes and I get very tense when I do it. I don’t want to let anybody into my heart, I don’t want to get hurt. Every girl that has ever liked me enough to kiss me, I made-out with and then I immediately afterwards felt like I have taken advantage of her and I was disgusted with her for liking somebody as disgusting as me. The guilt is overwhelming because I knew she thought it was something about her but I can’t tell her why. It’s not even a decision I can control really, I just get so ashamed of myself that I want to run away. I know that I am not going to find happiness in others, nor will others find happiness in me. Happiness comes from within. And I don’t think a girlfriend is going to solve my problems either. The past is the past, and I see how I ended up here. I want to find love someday, I want to find that special girl and give her my heart. I fear that I might never be able to let her love me because I can’t even love myself. How do I rid myself of this shame and guilt?

Answers and Views:

Answer by girl3blonde
i think you need to talk to a psychologist, and maybe learn some cognitive behavioural therapy approaches to dealing with this.

you mind does sound kinda messed up at the moment, but a part of that will be because of the hormones involved, as your brain hasn’t yet finished growing. having said that, it is maybe good to start therapy now while your brain is still changing, so that you have a better chance of changing these attitudes now.

you do seem to have a lot of insight and wisdom into your situation, and clearly want to change and move forward, and that probably puts you in the best possible place for dealing with these issues, and accepting that your mum’s problems are her own. you do not need to take ownership of her issues of sexual repression and lack of self-esteem. one of the greatest things i have learned in life is that we can not control other people, and that sometimes the actions of others only really impact upon us because we let them. that’s not to say letting go is easy, but it can be done.

good luck.

Answer by Marina V
well i dont even know where to begin, but you are not the only one out there. I know as a little kid no one ever explained to me where babies came from. I had to discover that on my own. But you did have it rough, and if anything that should make you stronger. One thing which i strongly recommend is to find someone to talk to or also write all your feelings down. Maybe you can write a book who knows. And as far as not being intimate with a woman, thats a whole different story. You should be, you just have to find a woman which you feel comfortable around. One that you can talk to about this stuff and she can understand you. But as life is, when you least expect things, thats when things will come. So just live each day with hope and reflection.
adios